It is 2:25am in the morning on a Tuesday(makonnen voice) February 10,2015. After a random jolt of inspiration and clarity, i decided for some reason it would be necessary to write. Not even a rap, just actually write. Me realizing that this is some shit I never do, I found confusion in the initial idea but I’ve learned in my 21 years up to this point to trust my ideas. In my short 21 years I’ve actually learned alot of things. Well at least in my mind. But of course im mindful enuff to realize im young and I still have a trillion more things to learn about everything. Life, love, all that other shit between, but most importantly, myself. Alex.
What scares me about real life is that each day I wake up, and go to work(or wherever) and converse with people I constantly see fear. And me witnessing fear is scary. Make sense? Lemme explain.
I try to analyze fear for what It actually means. Yes of course there are real times to be fearful, but what I really try and analyze is imaginary fear. The fear that doesn’t really exist. The fear of the unknown perhaps? The fear of failure and expectations. The fear of dying alone? I sometimes spend my days just tryna figure out what people truly fear. lol yo I don’t know how lame that is but thats the shit I do.
I feel like most of the fear people feel most of the time isn’t really real. Like it isn’t a psychical thing you can reach out and grab at, what it is to me is just a manifestation of a collection of negative thoughts about how things can ultimately turn out. Fear is like a virus once it hits the body the shit spreads, and it takes over your entire being. It’s no cancer but it does act as such. I’ve seen it make people sick. Maybe not physically ill, but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally of bad health.
It is sometimes hard for me to be around people because some people have that sickness, and I believe in something a little different. I believe life isn’t really real. Of course I know it is I don’t wanna sound like Im all the way nuts. It’s just impossible for me to follow the standard format of what life is “supposed” to be for some people(get a job, work your whole life, provide, then die). Don’t get it confused, I have nothing but respect for people who have obtained higher education(or not) and are working long hours, husslin like crazy, getting yours and handling your shit. I salute you. Im speaking from the perspective of a dreamer. A regular nigga from Durham, North Carolina that is currently building towards something that I would consider real. Some people would consider me a rebel, or would say I have a rebellious nature, which in a small way is true. In my mind how I think about it is that Im not really a ‘rebel’ like how Martin Luther King was, or Tupac was. Im just doing what I want to do, on some human shit. On some my name is Alex and this is what I do, type shit. The interesting part is that that idea barely exist in this life. The idea that it is possible to really do exactly what you want to do in this life. Maybe that has to do with so many people seeming unsatified, UN-fufilled of what life has to offer
The life that I currently live is what it is. Im broke as hell tryna find my way like alotta folk im sure. But for some reason even when Im feeling low, I can make myself high again. I have an outlet that can heal my pains. That can ease my stress. I believe I can create whatever type of life that I wanna live. So I can deal with not really having nothing and being broke because Im so in tune with myself I can see the future, and my outlet can always allow me to return to a good mood. Im not the most confident or the wisest person in the world, and I show all that to my people for their enjoyment and consumption. I try to show myself exactly how I am, offering every side that exist to me. That for me is fun. that connection is real life for me.
All that other shit isn’t real life to me.